Who's Going To Stop Me?
by KillMeWithWords
Summary: Dealyn's her brother signs on with Roque Records.She meets BTR. She is determined to committ suicide, will BTR be able to save her or are they too late Complete sorry if i disappoint some of you because of the ending. Rewrote could be the last chapter
1. Moving

Moving**  
**

I'm the girl everyone enjoys picking on. The one that all your friends love to make a fool of by taping abscene signs on her back.  
You know the one that sits in the behind you and for no apparent reason gets on your nerves. You don't even know her name.  
What grade she's in.  
What her eye color is.  
Well here's my introduction for you. My name is Daelyn. It's pronounced _Day-len_. I'm sixteen and today I'm moving from my shitty small town in North Carolina to Los Angeles. I'm trading my 2-bedroom apartment housing me, my brother, my mom and dad for a suite in Palms Wood. You must be asking yourself why I am moving there. Simple my brother he's a musician. For now he's a solo artist and he's so talented. He's the perfect one not me. I tried committing suicide this pass fall. I drank Clorox and drano and that completely damaged my vocal cords. My parents had to pay for surgery to reconstruction, which resulted in me not being able to speak. Doctors say that I might regain my ability to speak in about5 months or so, but I'm not going to make it until then. I'm supposed to wear this neck brace, but I don't. I'd rather stand the pain of the surgery then get asked why I'm wearing that.  
"Dealyn, come on its time to go to the airport." Chris said standing in the doorway.  
I sighed and got up grabbing my backpack that contained some clothes my mom bought me after the incident. Chris flipped his chocolate brown hair and gave me a small smile. He was nervous I could tell. He always did that when he was. I stared at him blankly "Listen, I'm not going to leave you alone. If I have to go record you're coming with Me." he smiled showing his perfect white teeth and winked at me.  
I continued to stare at him blankly. I couldn't allow myself to feel. I couldn't afford to mess up this time. He sighed and hesitantly reached for me. I quickly walked out the door and out of his reach. I heard him let out an exhausted sigh. Don't worry Chris pretty soon you won't need to be disappointed anymore. He walked and caught up with me. "I'm really nervous what if Gustavo regrets signing me once we start recording?" He asked worry filled his voice. I watched him in the corner of my eyes; he stuffed his hands in his skinny jean pockets. He won't. He loves the way you sing. He flipped his hair out of his face again this time I could see his blue eyes. The same color as mine and the sky. He glanced at me and smiled. I returned to staring in fornt of me. We got into the rental car dad rented just to go to the airport. I sat in the back with Chris. Mom sat in the passenger seat and of course dad sat in the driver's seat.  
"Do you want to listen to my iPod?"  
I shook my head causing my bangs to come to my face. I put the bangs behind my ear. "Ok" Chris said and plugged in the headphone he was offering me in his ear and looked out the window. I did the same and blocked out all noises in the car. We were pulling out of the driveway when a couple of girls from mine and Chris's school walked to Chris's side of the car. He rolled down the window and smiled at them flirty. "Hey, we heard you got signed on Roque Records." a girl with wild curly hair. it looked like a lion's mane wearing green long sleeve shirt said. She had her shirt unbutton to where you could almost see her breasts. She looked at Chris with a flirty smile wiping her hair to her two other friends. He chuckled "Yeah me and the family are packed and to go to Cali."  
The girl beside her had straight jet black hair with borwn hair saw me and whispered something. The girls giggle andChris must have heard it and became serious "You know what beth, I've to go now I might miss my flight and I boredtalking with you and your slutty friends. "he dismissed them and rolled the window up."Ready, guys?" Dad asked looking at the review mirror. I nodded "Yeah let's get out of this town." Chris grumbled. Dad smiled and zoomed off to the airport.

So that's the first chapter!I really hope at least someone likes it. My goal is to get 5 people interested in this story, but if I get just one person to message me to write more I will. Oh and don't worry Big Time Rush will be in the story by the next chapter. Have a great day! :)

P.S. Under no circumstances am I condoning suicide as an answer and I am aware of the combination of Clorox and Drano it WILL kill or will lead to a very painfully life if you survive, so please find help if you are thinking about taking your life. Now you may go lol


	2. I Just Want To Be Left Alone

I Just Want to Be Alone****

We arrived at the airport "Kids, why don't you guys sit down and wait for Gustavo" mom said not waiting for our answer, both mom and dad walked to the baggage claim to get our bags. Chris looked at me "Well, let's go Dealy." He said simply leading the way to a nearby seating section. I walked behind him looking down at my feet ignoring the fact that he called me by my nickname. I sat beside him. I hope no one decides to sit beside me. I internally cringed as I thought about the germs a complete stranger could have. I put my backpack in the empty seat next to me in hopes of stopping people from sitting here. "Dealyn, promise me something" Chris paused to take a breath. He fiddled with his fingers. I glance at him then down the floor. "You won't attempt to..." Chris stopped he was looking for the right words. "Well you know what, just please don't do it." He practically begged quietly. I sighed."Dealyn, I can't stand living life without my twin sister." Chris said his voice quivered. I sighed again and looked back at him. Chris looked at me with his eyes. He was searching for an answer in my eyes. "Just think about it OK?" he asked leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees and letting his hands dangle. I stayed quiet let him think whatever he wants. I've made my decision I'm just waiting for the right moment. "Are you Chris Roswell?"a slender girl with straight black hair and dark chocolate skin asked. Chris lifted his head towards her "Yes, that's me and this is my sister Dealyn." He said gesturing to me. "Pleasure, I'm Kelly" she said friendly and extended her hand forward. I stared at it in fear. Chris shook it and she waited for a moment for me to shake it, then put it down. When she realized I wasn't going to shake it. She cleared her throat "Right well are you two here alone or are your parents here?" she asked glancing around. "Right here, sorry we were getting the luggage" my dad apologized  
"Oh it's ok I'm Kelly, Gustavo's assistant and the limo is here now." Kelly said shaking my mom and dad's hand. We carried our luggage out to where the limo was and packed everything in the trunk of the limo. We got in the limo and rode all the way to Palm Woods.  
We got to the room "Kids go and explore the place. We have everything under control." my mom said putting plates in the cabinets. She smiled at me and nodded. "Come on!" Chris said excitedly. I turn around and walked out the door. Chris didn't get to around the corner when Gustavo walked around it with Kelly. He had a scowl on his face. Chris skidded into to a full stop and waited for Gustavo to speak. I took the chance and catch up with him. "Look Chris you can look around here any other time, but now you need to come with us to start searching for the rest of your band and record like...Now alright." Gustavo stated it instead of asking. Chris sighed and turn towards me. "Can i bring my sister?" there was a pang of fear in his voice. I stared at Chris for a moment longer until Gustavo spoke up "NO!" He yelled dragged him out with no final word.  
I sighed walked back to the apartment. I quietly look through my bag and grabbed the book I've started reading before moving here. It was a collection of Emily Dickson's poems. I walked out. The hallways seemed so quiet. I began thinking about what Chris said back in the airport. Guilt dripped from my thoughts. Could he be telling me the truth? Was I important to him? Another Thought popped in my head

_I was 12 we were in gym class. This was the only class me and my brother had together and I was happy to have him in it. Today was the first day of gym, so when i noticed him walking ahead of me. I just figured that it was because he wanted to get there on time. We got there the gym teacher blew her whistle "We're playing Kickball. O'doyle and McDonalds pick NOW!" She exclaim unnecessarily loud._

_Of course my brother was picked towards the beginning and now it was between me and some kid I knew who has asthma. I was picked last, and during the game I was constantly trip by everyone even my own teammates. The gym teacher acted like she didn't see it. Well by the end of the period I was on my way to my other class when I heard my brother and his friends talking, so I stayed behind the corner to hear what they were saying. "Dude, your sister is she retarded or what man?" one of his friends asked. There was a pause "Nah, she's not my sister man my parents adopted her from the retard institute." He said. I blinked away the tears. I felt the rejection and ashamed heavy in his voice. I looked around to look for another route._

I blinked back the tears pushed away the memory back. I made it to the pool. I found a place where it was isolated. I sat down to read. When I heard big commotion coming in the lobby I ignored it and started reading my book.  
_"_Because I could not stop for Death—_" __  
_There was a crashing noise nearby. I jumped up and looked around and saw a flower pot shattered on the ground, dirt spread all the way to the pool. There stood four guys, one of them had a helmet on, another was borderline freaking out, another was combing his hair in a repeated motion, and the last one had bushy eye brows but was in thought. "YOU!" the guy from the front desk yelled. His face was so red it would have put a cherry to shame. 'Look, Bitters we'll clean it up dude" eyebrows assured calmly. Front desk guy didn't seem to buy it at first, but he eventually sighed and point at the mess exchanged words I couldn't hear since I went back to reading and walked back inside. I went back to my book hoping they won't see me here  
_"_I first surmised the Horses' Heads  
Were toward Eternity_-" __  
_I heard footsteps coming towards me. I tried my hardest to continue reading the next poem, but I couldn't. The footsteps stopped in front of me. Four shadows casted upon me, so I looked and saw Eyebrows, Helmet head, Shortie, and Ken as I nicknamed them standing there. I looked back at my book trying to find my spot. "Hey, you must be new here." one of them said. Great they made me lose my spot. I stayed starring at my book hoping maybe this will get them to leave. "What book are you reading?" another one asked. I raised the book up to my face, so they would know what it was called and would leave me alone. "Nice, that's an interesting choice. Is it good?" Shortie asked. I remained quiet. "I'm sorry, you must find us rude we haven't even introduced ourselves to you and here we are asking you questions." eyebrows joked. I kept a blank stare, as I rested the book on my lap. "Well, I'm Kendall" eyebrows said. I guess I should start calling them their names. I stayed quiet. Don't they get that I don't want to talk to them? "I'm James."James gave me a big smile. I still stayed quiet and picked up my book and began reading again. "I'm Carlos." Carlos said waving a hand between the space of the book and I. Lastly Shortie spoke "I'm Logan." He extended his hand towards me. I looked at his hand in disgust. I already smacked away Carlos's hand with my book. They must not get the message that I want to be left alone. He moved his hand up and down "its great meeting you too." he said smiling a crooked smile. They waited for a moment and waiting for me to say my name. I went back to reading the poem I was reading. "I get it you're a woman of few words. Understandable." Kendall smirked. "There you are. I'm done for today, so we can hang out." I heard Chris's voice He pushed past the four minions while looking at all of them with a weirded out expression. "Um, can I help you boys?" Chris asked filled with confusion. "Well we were just talking to...her." James said not sure what to call me. "Oh OK well I'm her brother Chris nice to you guys I guess." Chris said slightly confusion still. They once again said their introduction. I began reading again trying to not pay them any attention I finished the poem. "So Chris why are you guys here?" I heard Logan ask. I looked up from my book and watched Chris. Please don't say my name I repeated over and over in my head. "Well Dealyn and I moved here with our mom and dad because I got a record deal with Roque Records Gustavo is managing me." Chris informed. I mentally smacked him, instead I just about to get up to leave when helmet-er-Carlos freaked out. "NO WAY, dude we're on Roque Records!" Chris chuckled and flipped his hair and glanced at me. I shot him a death glare he smiled as if knowing something I didn't. "Well guys it was nice meeting you all, but our mom probably wants us home now see ya later dudes." Chris said. The guys moved for us. I got up and took a few steps forward when James intervened. I flinched away from his reach "See 'round Chris and Dealyn." I cringed at the sound of James saying my name. I opened my book to the current page I was reading tore it out, balled it up and threw it at him. I stalked off. A better way for me to get rid of the books I have since I won't need them later on. Chris and I went to the apartment ate dinner and got ready for bed. I'm beginning to think this place will not be any different from any other school I've been in.

Alright, so there's chapter 2. I tried my hardest to capture their personally I hope did a decent job. Please Review I love feedback even if it's just to tell me it is horrible. Tell me if you have a favorite character in the story or is that too early to ask? Do you think I should tell you all if there's going to be a love interest now? Hmm...nah I'll just wait


	3. The Girl Who Haunts Me

**That girl in the mirror she haunts me**

Hi! I realized I keep writing late at night. Why, I'm not sure but whatever the reason is it's weird. Well I've got to say the summary of this chapter, so to sum up this chapter is well you get a glimpse of Dealyn's past again. It explains her uneasiness around the guys…hopefully. Oh and I just realized I've misspelled Dealyn's name its spelt DEALYN not daelyn haha. I'm the writer and I spelled the main character's name wrong. Well anyways please enjoy the chapter.

"Wake up sweet heart, you've got to go to school" I was shaken awake from a dreamless sleep. "I already got your outfit picked out" she said handing me the clothes. I grabbed them and looked at her. She waited for a reaction. I sighed and gave her a weak smile. She seems to be taken aback, but recovered and smiled broadly. I got up and walked to the bathroom. I opened the door to see white tile. I turned to face what I thought was a shower, but it turned out to be a tub. I examined it carefully see if I could make it into a shower. After five minutes of scanning I got the idea of tilting the water spout upward, so that it would cause some sort of fountain effect. I tried this and turned on the water it shot up towards the ceiling. In panic I frantically turned off the water. I huffed and returned the water spout into its regular position and waited for it to fill up. In the mean time I strolled over to see the clothes my mom picked out. I held up the shirt in front of me. It had a design of tiny yellow daises all over the shirt I couldn't help, but smirk mom always knew my favorite flower. I folded it back and looked at the jeans it was obvious that Chris picked them out they were skinny jeans. I smiled. Maybe they do love me. I looked back at the tub it was at a decent level just I step to the tub the door opens I jump in fear. "Oh sorry Dae, but it's just to warn you that…um…" Chris looks behind and mouths. "Big time Rush." He quickly shouts the door. Great the idiot patrol is here. I rolled my eyes and quickly got in to the tub. I tried to maintain the sloshing sound at a minimal, but with every move I made an obnoxious _slosh_ sound was made. I blushed imagining who could hear it that sound. I quickly finished off rinsing my hair got out and dressed. I open the door and saw Chris there ready to knock on the door. He smile, but frown when his eyes fell on my hair. "here let me do something to your hair." He said eyeing me sadly. I could see in his that he felt sympathy toward me like I was some small child he had to take care of. I looked down at our feet and noticed I forgot to get shoes. He grabbed my hand and pulled me back in the bathroom, where it seemed like we spent a whole day in there just straightening my hair. I grew impatient with him, as he made sure everything was in order, but didn't want to show it in fear of him getting the wrong idea. "You know Daelyn I'm more than positive that those guys like you." He smiles. I rolled my eyes. I may not know a lot about boys, but I knew one is for sure they all what something I will not give. "We're here now we can go." He said slowly exiting the bathroom. He stopped at the door "They're here because they knew we wouldn't know where Palm Woods holds the school." He explained and walked out. I sighed and glanced at the mirror. I saw an overweight thirteen year old girl. A girl who I've tried to forget, but she haunts me of the past I have lived. She reminds me every day, in my sleep, in the mirror, and when I close my eyes. She never leaves me. The mistreatments of fat camp, the teasing of "friends" I ran the hot water in the sink and ran my hands in the water and rubbed soap into my hands. I closed my eyes

"_Meet me by the fountains" Isabelle ordered. I looked at her skeptically. "Don't you trust me?" she asked flashing me a smile. I remained sitting thinking the possibilities. "Come on, I told you Andrew likes you I'm just trying to be your best friend here." She tugged at my hand. I gave up and followed her to the fountains, since she knew I wouldn't go by myself._

_We stood at the water fountains for at five minutes when Andrew strolled towards us causally. He was the first guy I actually liked and hoped to be my boyfriend. He was very good looking. Dark hair like the night and deep brown eyes I could just sink into and get lost in. He saw us and smirked. I smiled and flushed. Once he got there he snaked his arm around my waist "hey babe." He simply stated. "hi, Andrew." I greeted with a giggle. My heart was beating so loudly. I was scared that my heart would beat out of my chest and fall to the ground. "Comere." He stated dragging away me from Isabelle. I glance back at Isabelle, she smile a smile I've never seen._

_We stood in the middle of the woods near the school. I smiled "why are we here?" I asked "just to chill and stuff." He shrugged swinging an arm around my waist. My pulse sped up. I looked up at him in fear. He pressed his lips forcefully against my lips. I tried to pull away from his iron grip. I had to knee him. He dropped to the floor and I ran away only to bump head on into roughed blonde boy I've seen onve hang out with Andrew. I didn't have enough time to react when he grabbed me. "You got the fat ass?" I heard Andrew sadistically ask. "Yeah, I got her right here." the blonde guy said solemnly. "Carefully she's a kicker." Andrew warned. "Oh, she wouldn't do that. Right baby?" he asked giving me a forceful kiss. He tasted like smoke. I gagged at the taste. I noticed that I tears rolling down my cheeks. "Now let's show Miss. Piggy here a good time." The blonde guy said grabbing my chest._

"Dealyn!" someone shook back to reality I focused my eyes to see who it was. I stared straight into green eyes. I quickly smacked his hands away from me and ran out of the bathroom to my room. I slammed my door and slid on the floor and let the tears flow silently. All I could remember was pain of their fist. Luckily for me I guess there wasn't penetration just touching. A few moments later I wiped angrily at the tears and stuffed my feet in socks and shoes. I walked down to the living room seeing them there with Chris dirtying up my couch. I sighed, but continued to walk towards them. "Look um Dealyn I'm sorry I scared you it was just um you were taking an awfully long time up there and um well um Chris t-told u-us about um y-your problem." Kendall stuttered. I press my lips in a line and glared at Chris, who flipped his hair nervously and then rubbed the back of his neck Kendall sounded like I had an addiction problem. I glanced back at them and marched out the door. They all followed me. "here you can use this to um communicate with us." Carlos said sticking a notebook and pencil in my face as we walked. I ignored them and stopped dead in my tracks and waited for them to lead me to Palm Woods school. I crossed my arms and looked at them impatiently. "wha-oh yeah school." Logan said "Come on we have to take the elevators." He said grabbing my hand and dragging me in the direction of the elevator. I tried to get out of his grip as hard as I could. Logan didn't let go until we got to the school. I snatched my hand away feeling a strong urge to run to the nearest bathroom and wash my hands until they were raw. "who are these two Logie?" some brunette girl asked with a hint of jealousy. There was a girl behind her she was a blonde and like the other girl pretty. I rolled my eyes to see that Logan smile at me and Chris like we were actually friends. "That's Dealyn and that's her brother Chris" James said with a broad smile. Chris gave them a lazy smile I just looked down. "Nice to meet you both." They said in unison. "I'm Camille." The brunette smiled. "I'm Jo." The blonde stated friendly. Suddenly I'm guessing the teacher came to the group and smile "I see we have new people." She smiled I could tell she was one of those teachers that tried to always get on her student's good side in other word she wanted to be your "friend" I scoffed as she zeroed in on us and asked questioned. Luckily for me Chris answered them all. Now everyone knows we're from North Carolina apparently that's where Jo's from, how old we were and all sorts of stuff. I cringed at the attention. It was like I could tell that everyone was already making their judgment of me. Thankfully we finally sat down, but sadly Chris had to sit with some girls name "the Jennifers" I'm sure he didn't mind that much and of course as my luck goes I had to sit near the guys and Camille and Jo. The lesson went by and I really didn't to pay attention I already knew this stuff. As the bell rang, I quickly gathered my things and heard the Jennifers whispering. "Yeah, he's totally Kah-ute but his freaky sister what is she deaf or something?" was all I heard. I glared down at my books. I felt a hand on my shoulders I jumped out of my seat and fell on the floor. I looked up and saw James. "Your brother told me to wait for you." He smiles. It was cute…wait did I just say cute? He reached down to lean me a hand. I glared at his hand and got up on my own. I walked out without waiting for him only to come face-to-face with Carlos. I leaped back in fear. "Whoa sorry Dealyn I didn't mean to scare you." He apologized. My heart skipped so many beats right then. Soon as I regulated my heart beat I walked around him and sat in a chair in the lobby. "So, Dealyn what are we going to do now?" I heard James ask me. I grabbed the notebook Carlos was shoving in my face earlier and wrote "Nothing please leave me alone." They read it and I heard scribbling. I rolled my eyes and open up the textbook that we were assigned homework in. before I could even read the problem the notebook landed in front of me. "Nope, we like being around. Your different " I grabbed the sheet that we wrote on and tore it out and balled it up and looked up at them and threw it. It hit James square in the chest. I slam my book shut got up and walked away. "Why do I always get hit?" James whined I turned around to quickly causing James to fall over me since he was trying to catch up with me. He smiled at me "Boy, who would have thought you acted fast, but maybe we should take this to a more private place." He said in a low voice. My heart and pulse pounded uncontrollably and without thinking I grabbed my pencil. I stabbed him repeatedly until he got off of me and bolted to my room to hide from the memories that today brought back. I locked myself in my room.

Sorry writer's block for now, but hey it's pretty long so this will subside until next time. Hopefully I did a good job please comment? I love having feedback, so don't be shy tell me what you think on Dealyn. What do you is going to happen or what you want to happen anything really.


	4. Thy Speaks Like An Angel

**Thy Speaks Like An Angel**

I heard the repetitive drumming of Chris' fingers on the kitchen bar and sighing, as he stared down at his phone. In the past hour he's not moved from that seat. The motions I saw was when he ran his fingers at the tips of his chestnut brown hair. Today has being two months since we moved from North Carolina, Chris signed on to Rouqe Records. Today also marks a month and twenty eight days since I've seen any of the Big Time Rush, not an eyebrow, nor a helmet. I finally have my peace and quiet. Today Chris is sporting black skinny jeans from glamour kills, a white shirt with the background of a night in the country maybe with the words written "So Alive", and a black beanie, and for some reason he stuck a feather in his hair. It actually looked nice only he could pull off a feather in his hair. He looked up at me and smiled a weary smile. I smiled a closed lip smile. It wasn't much, but I knew it meant something for him. He opened his mouth to say something. "Dealyn, there's a difference in you and I like it." He smirked and leaned forward. I nodded. I'm not sure what it is maybe the change in scenery that I felt a bit happier. I looked down at his phone then up at him with a questioning look. "I'm waiting Gustavo to call me; he said that the band I selected he's a little unsure of." He explained an underlying annoyance in his voice. I smiled at the tone of voice he used and walked off "Where are you going?" Chris asked turning to face me. I sighed how am I going to tell him the pool? I blushed and mimicked the action of swimming. He laughed and I bolted to the hallway. As I pressed the down button to the lobby, I heard their voice coming towards me. My heart immediately accelerated, my hands started to sweat, in stance I ran looked around for stairs. Just I made my move to the stairs "Dealyn!" one of them shouted behind me. I jumped at the sound and turned around slowly. There Logan, Carlos, Kendall, and James stood smiling widely with a notebook in Kendall's hand. "We-"Kendall started, but decided to write it in the notebook he had. The elevator dinged and opened. In a hurry to escape them I jumped in the elevator and they got in happily. I sighed, as Kendall handed me the notebook. I crossed my arms and acted like I'm not seeing him shove the notebook in my face. I could tell he wasn't giving up easily. I gave up and grabbed the notebook to read it. "We were on our way to see if you wanted to hang out with us since it's been two months and that's too long." I looked up and handed him the notebook back to him. He gently pushed it back toward me, handing me the pen he used. I grabbed it reluctantly in the corner of my eye I see James flinched back a smile played at the corner of my lips. I pressed the pen on the paper and scribbled "Sure." And handed to Kendall, but Carlos grabbed it before Kendall could get it. Carlos gripped the notebook "She said yeah!" he cheered as if he were in a football game or something. I suddenly felt the urge to laugh, but ended up painfully choking on the laughter. They all stood there in awe, as I continued laughing and blushing, ignoring the pain surging through the back of my throat. It dissolved into to a smile, but the heat of the blush still burned hot on my cheeks at the fact that I was the only one laughing. "That's a miracle I've never heard anyone laugh, so beautifully." Logan said dreamily. I blushed and looked down. The elevators signaled that we've come to a stop and opened. I was the first to walk out. I looked back at them they still had the look of shock on their faces. I smirked and signaled them to come on. They followed. "So in just two months we heard you laugh now all that's missing is you talking, which by my calculations you should be able to speak within a couple of…months." Logan's voice dipped at the end. His eyes masked the disappointment "But hey that'll wiz by quickly." Kendall said wrapping a friendly arm around Logan's shoulders. I pressed my lips together and nodded. We walked out to the parking lot and walked to a navy blue camero with two vertical white stripes down the middle. I stopped to admire the sight of the car. "It's Logan's. He's the one with the license for now." Carlos informed me. I nod and get into the camero.

We arrived at a park and we had to go to the swing set because Carlos and James insisted on swinging. I smiled and followed them to the swings. I sat one swing set and gently swung myself while watching James and Carlos fight for the swing next to me. I chuckled, while shaking my head. I felt someone gently push me forward "I thought that you needed help" Logan whispered as he pushed me again. My heart fluttered and felt the heat instantly rush to my cheeks. I faced forward smiling inward. I looked beside me and saw that the swing James had won was loose. As he began to put his weight on the swing, I jumped towards James and managed to strain out a "No." He fell to the ground with a hurtfully thud, landing on his right foot. We were immediately James' side, crowding him. Logan was the first in action, feeling around all for anything damaged. "Dude, my foot it hurts." James groaned in pain, putting his hands over his eyes. Logan looked up at us with a concerned look "We're going to have to take him to the hospital, he might have something sprained or worst broken." He said looking back at a suffering James. Kendall and Carlos helped Logan with James. Kendall and Carlos both wrapped around James' waist putting his weight on both their shoulders. Logan behind them making sure everything was ok. I stood there frozen. The hospital, I can't go there.

We got the Logan put James the bracelet on his wrist. James twisted in pain asking…well whining to be exact when they we going to see him. The panic of being in the hospital intensified. I kept rubbing my hands hard that I was close to ripping off my finger. "You don't like hospitals do you?" Kendall asked. Worry filled his eyes, but he kept his gaze on my hands. I kept doing the same motion until he took my hands in his. I jumped that the contact of our hands. "You should stop that, or else you'll be in here alongside James." He joked weakly. I smiled meekly. "You can go. My mom is coming so your services aren't need anymore." He said looking down at our hands. The moment was interrupted when the nurse called for James. I took the opportunity to snake my hands out of his and place them in my lap. "C-Carlos and call you a cab." Kendall said look at his now empty hands then rubbed a hand in the back of his neck and walked with James and Logan. Carlos stood up and waited for me to stand up. Kendall's mom hurriedly greeted us and ran to the nurse's station. We walked outside Carlos hailed a cab. "I heard you warn James" Carlos said nervously before I got into the cab. I stopped waiting for him to continue. "You have a voice of an angel you know." Carlos said avoiding my gaze. I sighed, is he going to force me to talk to him? I hope not that was painful. He shoved his hands in his pants pocket "Don't worry I won't say anything to the guys." He said shifting his weight from foot to foot. I got in and leaned out to close the door. Carlos grabbed the edge of the cab door, quickly leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. He shut the door and the cab zoomed away from the hospital to Palm Woods. I didn't look back I was shocked, speechless, dumbfounded, whatever I just froze. I glanced up at the cab driver, he smirked but kept his eyes on the road. What is this that I'm feeling? Am I falling for one of them? Not the (I quote Gustavo) dogs, no not me right?

**AN: So I guess I need a disclaimer just in case someone thinks I own Big Time Rush. Well here it is I do not own any of the Big Time Rush, nor do know them…sadly. Well this is Chapter…uh 4, 5 I don't know I don't keep track ha. Like the title name? Yeah me neither and I wanted something cheesy, so I guess it fits ok right? Also I have a question. I have this story about my favorite band (All Time Low) that I wrote with my friend and we want people to read it, but I don't know where to post it. I don't want to post it on quizilla no one really reads stories unless it's those quizzes name _ minutes in heaven, and on Fanfiction it's not allowed, since their actual people. If anyone can help me with this dilemma don't be afraid to message me or post in the comment section. On a final note thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my story and please comment? :D again tell me what you like. What do you want to happen in the story? Uh favorite character? Anything you want to write. Have a great day! Oh and thanks for the…3 comments and this goes to um Bebier for warning me that if I don't write apples will die and I don't want apples to die **** I like apples.**


	5. The Final Straw part 1

**The Final Straw **(Preview)

I haven't slept since James' accident. All the nightmares that I thought left came back. The downward spiral I thought climbed returned throwing me back maybe farer then I was. I can't help, but blame myself for James' accident. If I'd done something sooner they wouldn't have post-pone their first tour. I knew getting close to them was dangerous. I tried again only this time I cut myself. My mom found me, so they're back to suicidal watch 24/7 again. They think it's because of Chris leaving for his first, but the thing is I'm not even why. It just rushed back a thousand times stronger and without thinking or knowing what I was doing. I had a gash coming straight down from my wrist to the bend of my arm. Now I'm back to getting rid of my stuff, so far all was old CD's, and most of my clothes. My neglected computer isn't truly mine, but my dad's so I assume he'll keep it.

I guess you can say that they're worried about me. It didn't help much when I had an episode a couple days ago. My mom thought it would be a good idea if we'd go shopping. It went well, until my mom needed to go to Wal-mart for some groceries. I was tried so I stayed in the car. It all happened too quickly for me to control. The air in the car constricted around me. I couldn't breathe. The car started to shrink on me. My bladder bulged three times it regular size, as if I've been drinking water non-stop for years. I crossed my legs trying to hold it in. Warm liquid leaked out. I gasped and bit down on my bottom lip trying so hard to hold it in. I couldn't anymore it was like an explosion, or a waterfall rushing out. What happened next? Who knows, all I remember is my mom jerking my hand off the car horn. She turned back to the crowd watching what was taking place "Everything is OK." She reassured them. "I was gone for a few minutes." She said and jumped in the car and slammed it shut. We were in the parking lot of Palm Woods, she gave my some shorts that she had in the just for this purpose. I quickly changed from the ruined jean shorts to the white Capri shorts. She shot me a look before getting out of the car, that shouted "Who are you, _what_ are you?" and walked away.

I wiped away the tears. I must be made out of water, since I can't control my crying. This is it. No more screw ups. I can't afford living this life for people who I always disappoint. I got up walked to my computer and searched up "Wills." I figured that I leaving a will, rather than a suicide letter was better. It seemed more official and less…personal.

A/N: Hey, who's everyone? Sorry it took me a while for me to update and it isn't even complete. This all I could come up with for now at least. I didn't want you guys to think I stopped writing in this story. Now I'm thinking at the rate that I'm going I'll end this story by 2 chapters. Um I will try to finish this story up, so I don't leave you all hanging. I'm not that mean ha ha. Well hasta la vista baby sorry I couldn't help. Did I even write that right? Please review, favorite, or subscribe. To all of you who have still stuck by thank you, but as you can see I have the worst case of the writer's block and I'm sure what I wrote is horrible.


	6. The Final Straw part 2

**The Final Straw Part 2**

I haven't slept since James' accident. All the nightmares that I thought I left behind have come back. The downward spiral I thought I climbed out of has returned to throw me back deep in the abyss I was in. I can't help, but blame myself for James' accident. If I'd done something sooner they wouldn't have post-pone their first tour, post-pone their dream. I knew getting close to them was dangerous. I always lead to the downfall of something or someone so I tried once again. I tried to do everyone the favor of terminating my life only this time I tried a different method; cutting myself. My mom found me. I can remember the day up until my mom caught me.

_I was in the lobby just sitting not really thinking. The jennifers came by and stopped directly in front of me. "Why is this deaf girl sitting in our seats?" the blonde Jennifer asked snobby. The other two giggled I stared blankly at them_

_Dumb. The correct adjective is dumb. Stupid even, just like the three of you. The one with curly hair snapped her finger to get my attention "Aw, what's wrong cat got your tongue?" they smiled as if they just came up with a brilliant insult. "She can't talk." The straight haired Jennifer mused. Right, I'm deaf. They twirled away and strutted away. Five minutes later it hit me the confrontation. It was small, but I couldn't control it anymore I ran up to the apartment and went to the room. I shakily open the medicine cabinet and desperately looked for anything sharp. I found it. I pressed it to my wrist with so much force I wondered if I looked down would I be able to see my bones. I fought the eyes to stop and kept on. I reached the satisfying length and dropped the Razor-knife on the bathroom floor. I sat there waiting, feeling with every drop of blood weak. My vision started to darken. I closed my eyes and sighed happily. I heard the door open and a shriek, _so now after going to the hospital they're back to suicidal watch 24/7 again. They think it's because of Chris leaving for his first, but the thing is I'm not even why. It just rushed back a thousand times stronger and without thinking or knowing what I was doing. I had a gash coming straight down from my wrist to the bend of my arm. Now I'm back to getting rid of my stuff, so far all was old CD's, and most of my clothes. My neglected computer isn't truly mine, but my dad's so I assume he'll keep it.

I guess you can say that they're worried about me. It didn't help much when I had an episode a couple days ago.

_My mom thought it would be a good idea if we'd go shopping. It went well, until my mom needed to stop by Wal-mart for some groceries. I was tired so I stayed in the car. It all happened too quickly for me to control the panic that undertook me. The air in the car constricted around me like a boa constrictor. I couldn't breathe. The car started to shrink on me. My bladder enlarged three times it regular size, as if I've been drinking water non-stop for years. I crossed my legs trying to hold it in. Warm liquid leaked out. I gasped and bit down on my bottom lip trying so hard to hold it in. I couldn't anymore it was like an explosion, or a waterfall rushing out. What happened next? Who knows, all I remember is my mom jerking my hand off the car horn. She turned back to the crowd watching what was taking place "Everything is OK." She reassured them. "I was gone just for a few minutes." She said and jumped in the car, slammed it shut, and then zoomed away. We were now in the parking lot of Palm Woods, she gave my some shorts that she had in the just for this purpose. I quickly changed from the ruined jean shorts to the white khaki shorts. She shot me a look before getting out of the car, that shouted "Who are you, what are you?" and walked away. _

I wiped away the tears. I must be made out of water, since I can't control my crying. This is it. No more screw ups. I can't afford living this life for people who I always disappoint. I got up walked to my computer and searched up "Wills." I figured that I leaving a will, rather than a suicide letter was better. It seemed more official and less…personal. On the search results I found a promising website. It's called "through-the-door" self-termination is a right…is your time is now …no discouraging or aiding is allowed… I clicked on it. It was plain a dark back round and a door opens up with a blinding white light. If you look hard enough you can see a simple question.

"Are you ready?"

No was the default answer.

I clicked on yes.

The door closes and opens again.

Showing the privacy rights I skimmed through the whole thing and agreed to the rights. I claim my rights of my action I don't need to read this thing.

The door disappeared and went black. At first I thought that my computer froze until the blinding light came on, then the screen split in three Ways to Go, Make an account, and Forums. I clicked on "Ways to Go."

A/N: Ok so this is better right? I'm sorry that none of the guys make an appearance but next chapter they will I promise. I'm trying my hardest to make this story interest, but not random if you know what I trying to say maybe? By the way when I put who's everyone on the last update I meant to put how is everyone ha. Um about the whole through the door thing uh I'm not really sure how to explain that, only to with that how I envision the entry to death for some reason. I'm fully aware that I'm weird no need to say that haha. Well review, favorite, or subscribe and a big thank you to Crazyfanchic I think that is your name for giving me some feedback that was very useful. Hope you guys like it and about my all time low story…well my friend being as smart as she is forgot to give it to me when I saw her, so now I'm going to have to wait until the next time I go hang out at her house. If you want to get me idea for my story find me on twitter look up ohlookitsedna and I should there. I will truly appreciate the help or advice you have any, but if you want to find me on twitter on here is cool too. Well peace out everyone hope you all have a good one.


	7. You Are Not Alone

**You Are Not Alone**

All theways to die kept spinning my head making me dizzy. I learned the hard way that slitting your wrist isn't the way to die. I didn't haven enough time to be alone now to do it again. Apparently I have to have at least four hours to bleed to death and no way in hell will mom and dad are going to leave me alone more than thirty minutes. I walked out of my room to the living room, automatically having two pairs of eyes shot to up at my direction. I ignored the stares of my parents and grabbed an apple and a bottle of water. Lately I've been eating light I guess that's probably sending a signal to them, but they ignore it as long as I'm eating they're fine with it. I walked out of the apartment I needed out from this place. I had no idea what time is it or if it was day or night. I heard my dad's footsteps behind me. I roll my eyes and continue walking to the elevators, not quite sure if where I'm going. I press the down button and waited for the elevator. My dad slowly drags himself next to me. "Dealyn, don't worry I'm just going to walk you down and I'll come right back up." He said clearing his throat. I kept my gaze fixed on the elevator doors. "Uh, I hear that the boy from um big time uh…gees hush or whatever he's doing fine. In fact he's by the pool" that's it I'm staying in the lobby. The elevator's door slid open my dad went in first while I stood there suddenly anxious. I breathed in deeply trying my hardest to forget how tiny the space was, then made my way in. My dad presses the button. Once the doors shut I close my eyes waiting for this hell ride to be over. The doors open again and I step out. My dad calls my name. I turn to face him. He had his hand in the way of the doors of the elevator. "I love you, Dealyn." His voice doesn't ring true. I stare into his eyes. He believes that I'm a failure. I believe so too, don't worry it's not going to happen again. I promise. I nod and walk to the nearest chair careful not to let any of the guys see me. I settle down on the ugly floral red chair. I stare off into distance. Another option through-the-door showed me was to jump off a building. I turned this thought over a bit longer. Maybe this isn't the great way to go. I don't want my body mangled to the point where it's impossible to identify, and I also want this to happen in my home, so my parent aren't living their lives thinking that one day I'll come back to them. I mean that's the least I can do right? I sighed could this decision be any difficult more difficult? I shook my head in a desperate attempt to clear my head.

I rest my head on the back of the lobby chair and closed my eyes. Maybe hanging will be better. "Hey, Dealyn long time no see." I heard a familiar voice say. My eyes shot open. There James stood, well leaning on crutches smiling at me like nothing happened. I looked at him with a look of shocked. "What?" he said his smile dropped. His face become like a road map of worry lines. "Do you mind if I sit?" he asked not waiting for an answer. He sat in the chair beside me. I actually did mind. I sighed and began to get up. "Wait." James grabbed my hand "I've been wanting to to talk to you for while now and its important." I turned back and pulled against his grip. He released my hand with hopeful eyes. I sighed and sat back in the chair. "Well I need to tell you that you're not alone in this being bullied." I rolled my eyes I knew this was coming. Damn you Chris. "I know your probably thinking that 'how can you even understand what I've gone through" he let out a nervous laugh. No James not 'What I've gone though" it's going though present tense. There's a difference. "God, I'm sorry I'm horrible at this. I've never told anyone this only to the guys. Well I um wasn't always like this." He gestured to himself. "I was chubby as a kid and I wasn't the most masculine guy, even being on a hockey team. People would say it was a cover up or that I enjoyed watching my teammate undress. All the other kids always picked on me, calling all these names like 'Gaymes, Fat Diamond, uh Clay Aiken' the last one was priceless." He blushed laughing a bit. "I mean they called me much worst, but nothing topped the cherry then um, well this was back in Minnesota me and the guys got done with hockey practice. That day my dad said he'd pick me up. Usually i would get a ride from Kendall, but I wanted some time with my dad, since I barely got to see him. Well while I was waiting, these dudes from my school were there and I noticed that they were gesturing to me and I got a little uneasy but I ignored it. Thinking that they wouldn't do anything to me, I was completely wrong. They uh came at me merciless calling me 'fag, fairy, and homo' all kinds of names. One of the guys had both of my hands behind my back while another punched me in the stomach until I was on the ground gasping for air." James hid his eyes from me. "Well while I was on the ground all five of them kicked me. I thought I was going to die, until heard my dad yelling at them to stop and they did and he helped me up got me in the car and said 'Just let roll off your back James, you don't need to make more trouble then it's worth.' Can you believe that my own father told me to just let roll off my back and that I wasn't worth it." He scoffed wiping his eyes and laughed. I stayed quiet swallowing back the urge to cry. "And you know what they didn't let up. They would even follow me home, and leave note in my locker saying 'this town didn't need any fat fags like me.' That's what gave me the drive to become famous." He said shakily. I waited for him to regain his composure. I wasn't sure what to do, but watch him breathe deeply. He smiled weakly at me "I'm really sorry I thought I could handle telling you this. Well I guess the point I'm trying to get at is if you ever want to talk, you can come to me." He said reaching for my hand. Tears threatening to fall I bit on my lip. He grabbed my hand with a look that I couldn't quite name. it was like the same look Chris gets when he's singing a song he wrote about some girl. James squeezed my hand gently. "I'll save you if you just tell me how." I couldn't take it anymore I cried aloud. James crouched in front of me wrapping his arms around me. "Just let it out." He said smoothly. A few moments pass until he spoke again "Can I ask you something?" James asked softly. "You just did." I said sounding raw and scratchy. "Whoa, you speak?" He exclaimed loud enough for people on the lobby watched us then went back to doing what they were doing. He clears his throat. "Um, well w-would you go to dinner with me tomorrow?" My eyes go wide. This didn't made sense. Was he sure he was asking the right girl? "Hey you owe me, you stabbed me with a pencil. I could die for lead poisoning; tomorrow's my birthday, so if I do die at least I want it to be in the company of a beautiful girl." His smile almost looked innocent he trailed his fingers where I stabbed him. He's smart enough to know that pencil leads are made out of graphite. "That was mean."

"Was. Not." It still hurt to talk and I was merely defending myself. He smiled again giving me room to breathe. "Are you going to answer?"

"Me?" I whispered. He chuckled and nudged my knee, as if saying do you have to ask. "You can answer that yourself." I answered and left James to ponder what I meant. I bumped into Logan. He grabbed my waist not noticing it was me. He looked at me and immediately let go "Sorry Dealyn I didn't see you." He apologized. "It's. OK." I whispered. He had the same reaction as James. I smiled not saying anything. "Well Dealyn I'm glad we bumped into each other. I really need to talk to you." He said taking me to the fire pit. We sat down. He was nervous I could tell by the way he avoided meeting my eyes instead he watching the flames in the fire dance to their rhythm. I watched the flames with him silently for a couple more seconds until he cleared his throat "OK, so the reason I needed to talk to you is well um I'm sure James has told you his story. We all wanted to do this differently, but with James' accident it kind of interfered." I shifted at the mentions of James' accident. The pang of guilt floated back to the surface. He laughed a bit "This is going to sound so much like some talk show, but that doesn't matter. Well um as you know I'm the brains of the group and um that's not good when your growing up in Minnesota where everyone's main focus was hockey. I was always busy studying for a test we had the next day and everyone I knew watched the Minnesota Wild play." I watched him play with his fingers. "Well as smart as I was, I lacked the strength any of the guys have. So that opened up a door of opprotunities for the other kids. They would hide my text books, write insults on my desks, um once they put pickle juice and sour milk on my desk and the teacher made me clean it after school." He crinkled his nose at what hehad just said. "I hated that smell. If it wasn't for the guys who knows what I would have done." He shuddered at the thought. I knew what he would have done. He would be in the same position as me, maybe even dead. "I remember this one time, this girl I had a crush on since the sixth grade. God she was so pretty, smart, and popular. So I knew she wouldn't go for a guy like me. Maybe Kendall or James, but not me, well one day in the tenth grade I was talking to the guys about who knows what. When I get a tap on my shoulder, I turn around and it was her. I thought she needed something so I asked her what she wanted and she said with a cute little coy smile 'You. I want to take me to the tenth grade dance.' Of course I accepted and the guys of course helped me get ready. Well she and I agreed on meeting there because she wanted to show me off to everyone quickly or something like that, and like an idiot I said 'yes' not really thinking about it. I would have said and done anything just to for her to be happy with Me." Logan said staring off into space. "Well it was finally the night of the dance I got there wearing a ridiculous tux. I felt like some monkey, but James said I looked good. Well I walked in and I see her in the arms of this line backer of the varsity team. Oh I was just heart-broken and I wasn't thinking I just blinded with embrassement, because the guys saw her as well. I walked up to them. I wanted to confront them both, but instead I stood there like some idiot waiting to be agknowledged. Finally they pried their attention off of each other and on to me and she starts to laugh he said 'What dude did you really think a girl like that would fall for some nerd like you?' they both laughed and I well spent the whole night not answering any calls for Carlos, James, nor Kendall. I got in my dad's liquor cabinet." He finished saying softly. He leaned forward to the fire then turned her head, so he could see me. He eyes revealed to me the sadness he felt. The saddness never ends I know Logan. "I'm…" I stopped myself I knew saying that wouldn't make him feel any better. "Sorry?" he scoffed "don't be you didn't do it.' He sighed and leaned back looking up at the Californian night sky. "I'm glad, you know that I got out of there. It's like I can start over." He said his eyes glaxed over like he was in thought. I turned my attention back to the fire; studying it. "You're different Dealyn. Maybe it's from what you experienced in your life, but still you are." Logan said focusing now. I remained quiet. "Would you like to um go out sometime, you know j-just the two of us?" he asked rubbing the back of his neck. I looked at him with a questioning look. He gave me a crooked smile "You don't have if you don't want to, but it would cool be if you did though." He said slightly babbling. "You can answer that yourself." I said not waiting for his response. I know what you all are thinking. I told you I have a plan. No one is going to stop me from completing it.

I got up and decided that staying at the hotel was a bad idea, so I walked around. I needed to clear my head and get back on track. There was a nearby Starbucks. I went in there and sat at a table not wanting anything to drink. I looked out the window and watched the people go by. I heard chairs being dragged out nearby, but I ignored it. "Hey, Dealyn" I heard Carlos' voice. I cringed and turned my attention to them. "Nice shirt." Kendall said. I wasn't sure if it was sincere, but I consciously ran a hand over the scar that I covered with a long sleeve gray shirt that was striped with blue. I nodded. "So, what brings you here...obviously not the coffee." Carlos joked. "Space." I spoke softly carefully to not hurt myself. Kendall's mouth nearly hit the floor, but Carlos smiled encouragingly. "You regained your ability to speak." Kendall said smirking. He looked over at Carlos "Did you know already?" Carlos nodded "Uh huh, I heard her trying to warn James." Kendall nodded and turned back at to talk to me. I looked down at my lap. He put his arms on the table. "Well judging from your answer I can tell James and Logan talked you then?" he questioned. I nodded looking back up. "Well you're not done you still have to hear mine and Carlos' story." He said sternly then smiled. "I'll go first to give you some time to think about your story OK Kendy?" Carlos asked. Kendall nodded. "OK, well as you know wearing a helmet has never been in style, so that's what got me picked on the most oh and the fact that I'm super clumsy." He laughed a bit at the end. "Well I was always called 'retard, stupid, special Ed, and short bus. Just because I didn't get things right way. One incident when I was like eleven or something some kid played a song I liked so much and so I started dancing and well everyone just laughed and yelled insults, but I ignored it because I loved that song and wasn't going to let a couple kids put a damper in my day." He gleamed proudly and I was jealous he made it seem so easy to just ignore every comment people throw out. Maybe it was possible I just didn't know how. "Well I finally couldn't take it and threaten to take them all down. Now I probably would have been taken seriously if I uh hadn't just got out of heh ballet class, so I was wearing tights and my mom always wanted me to wear a helmet so I didn't hurt myself." Kendall held back a laugh at the back of his throat. Carlos laughed pushed him lightly "Shut up jerk. You know my mom got me into ballet so I could have better hand eye coordination." Carlos cleared his throat and continued on with his story. "Some punk dude came up and said 'yeah what are you going to do twinkle toes, dance around me?' well I tried to punch the guy but his buddies got involved and beat me up." Carlos ended and clapped his hand once. He looked down at his hand. I could tell he was hiding his emotions. I sighed sadly at him. I guess no one really gets over their pain. "Well I guess uh my turn now huh?" Kendall asked adjusting in the seat. "Well I guess I never really had any problems with anyone." Lucky "The worst bully in my life was really…my dad. I was never good enough for him. He wasn't afraid to tell me either I didn't skate fast enough, or wasn't strong enough. If I failed he was go on weeks just saying what I did wrong. I guess learned from the best to beat myself." Kendall said looking out the window. He breathed in and out through his nose and smirked "The day he left I remember the exact words he said to me 'Kendall maybe one day I'll be able to be proud to say I'm your father.' He kissed my forehead and left just like that. Thanks dad." Kendall rised his cup to the sky and drank out of it. He put don't his Frappe and ran a hand through his hair and looked at me with a sad look "I know it wasn't long, but that something that still hurts when I think about it." His smile quickly faded before it reached his eyes. Carlos put a comforting hand on his shoulder "We should go home now. It's pretty late." Carlos said getting up. We all got back safely. I went to my bed thinking about everything that had happened and remember about Logan and James. I couldn't accept either I mean I've set my mind…didn't i?

**A/N: Hola everyone! I'm sleepy right now, but I had to type this up with I'm thinking about next chapter being the last chapter. So who do you think Dealyn is going to pick? James, Logan, or neither well we shall see next time. I can't quite answer that question either. It all depends on the mood I'm in while writing haha. I'm sorry about the name calling I'm terrible about insulting people. I tried plus I'm half asleep so please just think that I just came up with these snarky smart insulting names for them. Oh and disclaimer BTR I don't own them or know they. (If only I did. I would definitely not be here writing this). Well goodnight now off to sleep! Also I got the chapter's title from a Michael Jackson song called well you are not alone it's a pretty song...OK so I got bored and decided to read throught it and correct some spelling and grammar mistakes. Please comment, Favorite, or subscribe. Last chapter is next!**


	8. What's Left of Me redo

**What's Left of Me**

The sun shined abnormally bright today as if mocking my decision. I got up unwillingly and went to take a shower to begin this day. Once I was finished. I put on the only shirt, and pants I had left, the door bell rang. I sighed and looked at the clock it read "12:23 pm" I sighed and stayed in my bed room hoping mom or d-Err- I mean Anna or Elliot would get the door. I decided that I needed to detach myself of my parental units, so now I'm calling them by their first name. The bell rang once again I rolled my eyes and walked down to get the door. I hesitated to get the door. I shouldn't get what if I open it and its Chris then I'll never accomplish my goal. He would make me continue living and who knows what that would lead. I shook my head trying to stop thinking about James ans Logan. I know they deserve way better than me. I turned around ignoring the door bell rining and walked to the couch and waited for whoever it was at the door to get that no one was home. Whoever it was eventually got the message. Hours past like minutes.

Do you think there's an reincarnation, like a phoenix I do. I feel that this life was the right one and I know that the next life I'll be in it will be better than this life. I read about it when I was younger probably like in middle school. I remember reading a poem on some website it was called "the Phoenix" by Rebecca Wiles. I still remember it line to line. it was a short poem.

"_Beautiful, glorious and sacrificing self for renewal,_

_you build a prye ans set yourself ablaze _

_For the sake of self. Red bird of fire_

_you come forth though _

_your ashes a new bird sherdding old self which no longer is needful._

_You embrace your new strength and fly to the heights of the city of the sun_

_and give the ashes into the alter sun god for your immotality._

_Embrace yourself for who you are a child of the sun_

_and will live eternal through birth, death and renewal! the spirit never dies!" I mumbled over and over to give the courage i needed._

I looked at the same clock from earlier and now it read "8:27 pm" Elliot sat on the other couch watching the Laker's game on T.V. Anna was in the kitchen preparing dinner, since they got in just a couple of minutes ago. I got up and walked to my room slowly to take up some time. I knew they wouldn't miss. I breathed in and out trying to contain the mixed feelings I had when I thought about them. I logged on to my computer and typed in "through-the-door" the screen went black then a modern European wooden door with custom art windows with some much detail of angels. Its was like they were truly in the window. It appeared taking up the whole screen of the computer. I rolled my eyes at the religous refernece. I wasn't one to believe in religion. Why should I? God never did anything to help me. All he did was bring more heart ache and disappointment. It finally opened. This a different introduction. Words faded in the screen. They were creamed coloured.

"Is today the day?"

Two words were underneath the question. Yes or No the default was "No" How did it know?

I clicked "Yes" the screen cleared. The door bell I faintly heard it. I closed my eyes to clear myself. I heard James and Logan talk to Elliot. I sighed opening my eyes to see the emptiness of my room. "Whenever you're ready to leave, sweetheart." Elliot said from behind the door. I closed my laptop and looked out the window and saw Camille and Jo with Carlos and Kendall by the pool. I got up and walk to the mirror to see who stood before me. That girl that haunted me has been put to rest. Now I'm nothing, but the girl that has lost the reason to live, to express. What's left of me is nothing. I'm now like the phoenix soaring to my happy life. I'll walk throught that door to a new life.

_A/N: Hi! Sorry. I hoped you liked it. I really hope it didn't suck completely, so please leave review even to tell me you hate me because this wasn't the ending you wanted. I just felt like it was more…fitting for her. Don't kill me please I know open endings suck, but like I said I felt like it was for the better. I blame the story it just has a mind of its own sometimes. Well I promise that next time I write a Fan Fiction about the guys I'll try my hardest to make it a happy ending and I'll make it longer. Well thoughts, comments about my first story about Big Time Rush and thank you to those who has stuck by me when I got the bad case of writer's block. Btw the way I don't have the same beliefs as Dealyn if anyone is wondering. Well I really hoped the short journey you took with this story that you enjoyed it. Also the poem I put on this chapter is not mine I found the poem on . so if you want to check it out there the website. I don't own it in anyway shape or form. I just burrowd it without um permission. At least I gave it credit :) I had to make a few changes do you think i should continue it, or should this be the end?hmm the fate is in your hands muahahahaha _

_I wished Criss Angel would, but the new defense against the dark arts magic. That would be epically funny haha sorry watching Robot chicken it gave me the idea...Now You finallly have the chapter sorry I was distracted I guess or something like that haha._


End file.
